(can't stop loving)

anavamp @ 2004-10-06T20:02:00

2004-10-07T00:14:33Z

wow i like haven't put anything in here in a really long time. i doubt anyone cares but yeah...
I'm doing really well
i reached my goal a while ago, and i'm now set to get 10lbs lighter
fasting is so much easyer now that i'm back in school
i'm normaly with my bf at lunch and wouldn't have time to eat anyways ;) (LOL!)
i'm like really stressed right now
a few or my "friends" have been bugging me about not eating
and i composily tear the lables from my diet coke and they get pissed about that
thoses are such stupid reasons to be mad and stop talking to someone...
i have that wonderfull empty, almost floating on air feeling right now from my fast
my body feels weightless right now, in my mind i am floating on a cloud
and drifting over the waters
it is wonderful
my bf has been so amazing to me
we've been together what seems like all our lifes
but my friends as i said seem to be ignoring me more and more evertime i'm around
at least i have him

Kisses all, goodnight *mwah*

inspired by cantbetoothin

2004-08-28T01:11:01Z

to do list:
get down to 94
get hair trimmed and re-dyed
get more condoms from shoppers (lol)
get clothes for fall
invite kelly and mandy to hang out (i haven't seen them in forever)
take up pillates
get lip pierced
spend more time with bf
get tattoo
try to get my mom to stop hasseling me about food

<333
JADE

mr. zebra

2004-08-27T18:07:03Z

i'm at 116.
i put on one pound since i last updated.
but i'm going for a long run today.
i need some new fall clothes.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

2004-08-26T14:21:46Z

shit shit shit.
i ate a pop tart!!!!!!!!!
and a glass of homogenized milk.
i can't believe it.
shit i feel disgusting....
oh god
oh god
i fuck up at everthing.

broken drunk baby whore

2004-08-26T01:40:55Z

pills and hard liquor
watch me get sicker
my heart beat gets quicker

i break the windows so lock the doors
take the glass and cover my body with scores
let you beat me around fuck me till i'm sore
press deeper, press deeper fill me with more
i will be your whore

drug me up so i won't feel
but it the morning this will all be to real

Updated: pics of me

2004-08-26T00:20:52Z

http://photos.yahoo.com/thisisnotgenuine.

anavamp @ 2004-08-25T15:14:00

2004-08-25T19:18:16Z

what is you inner self like by true_poetry
username
your inner model is:
your eating disorder is:	Eating Diorder Not Otherwise Specified
what you most desire is:	To be thin.
what you crave most is:
you will die on:	April 1, 2011
you will die from:	anorexia/anorexia related problems

Quiz created with MemeGen!

audrey

2004-08-25T18:59:19Z

http://www.gla.ac.uk/~cmc1z/fantasy_celts_b/fantasy_celts_17/audrey_hepburn_01.jpg

http://www.meredy.com/ah2.jpg

http://www.staleywise.com/online_shows/audrey/stern_audrey_1_b.jpg

http://www.stanford.edu/~brooksie/Audrey/ballon.JPG

http://www.carriespritzer.com/audreyhepburn/gallery/ah_bw10.jpg

http://audreyhepburn.free.fr/images/portrait41.jpg

http://audreyhepburn.free.fr/images/portrait08.jpg

http://www.princessmonkey.com/audrey/graphics/prettyaudrey.jpg

http://www.dvdplace.co.kr/goods_image/Audrey%20Hepburn.jpg

Twiggy: icon of thinsperation

2004-08-25T18:39:07Z

http://www.linda-project.com/world/images/twiggy.jpg

http://www.tinymonkey.net/adam/images/journal/twiggy.jpg

http://www.curzoncinemas.com/artman/uploads/twiggy.jpg

http://www.msnbc.com/onair/nbc/dateline/thincycle/images/twiggy.jpg

http://www.peoples.ru/art/fashion/mannequin/twiggy/twiggy.jpg

http://nm-server.jrn.columbia.edu/projects/masters/bodyimage/images/twiggy01.jpg

http://home.clara.net/digger/sixties/twiggy2.jpg

http://www.kunstikeskus.ee/trend/pilt/foto/twiggy.JPG

http://www.najpiekniejsza.pl/celebrities/twiggy/twiggy2.jpg

Thinsperation: Keira

2004-08-25T18:26:40Z

http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Newsweek/Photos/mag/031229_Issue/031219_WhoKeira_vl.vlarge.jpg

http://www.kem.ae.poznan.pl/images/keira.jpg

http://primuul.com/~scynscapa/keira1.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/sporky_corky/pretty_dress.jpg

anavamp @ 2004-08-25T13:53:00

2004-08-25T18:10:03Z

hard like steel
harsh like glass
frail like bones
the smoothe warm liquor of blood
heats my flesh
innocence lost through
the penatration of metal
ripping through my pale skin

the only food i've been eating is cellery, carrots and diet coke for the past three days
i've lost five pounds since this fast briging me down to 115.
i feel too fat to do my mesusments though.
i've been cutting a lot too so i don't look pretty.
i haven't been this thin in a while.

lol

2004-08-20T01:11:02Z

First best friend: my bf
First car: never had a car
First date: a boy named alex in the 7th grade
First real kiss: guy;alex girl;rachel
First screen name: dunno
First self purchased album: hanson
First funeral:uncle
First pets: tiny, my hamster (RIP)
First piercing/tattoo: my ears...no tattoos yet
First credit card: VISA
First true love: my bf
First big trip: to france
First musician you remember hearing in your house:dunno

LASTS:
Last car ride: 3 days ago with my bf and his mom
Last library book checked out: catseye mageret atwood
Last movie seen: 13
Last beverage drank: diet coke
Last food consumed: 3 cellery sticks
Last time showered: three hours ago
Last shoes worn: black mary janes
Last cd played: little earth quakes -tori amos
Last item bought: 6 pack of diet coke
Last annoyance: my mom with the tuna sammich
Last disappointment: my friends not being able to hang out today
Last time wanting to die: an hour a go
Last shirt worn: pink tank top
Last website visited: Live Journal

LAYER.1
Name: Jade
Birthdate: July 5th
Birthplace: Ontario
Current location: see above
Eyes: hazel
Hair: auburn
Height: 5'6.5
Righty or Lefty: righty
Zodiac Sign: cancer
LAYER.2
Your shoes you wore today: mary janes
Your fears: gaining weight, being alone
Your perfect pizza: ew
Goal you'd like to achieve: being 94 lbs

LAYER.3
Your thoughts first waking up: I felt sick
Your best physical feature: eyes
Your bedtime: whenever i can get to sleep
Your most missed memory: my bf

LAYER.4
Pepsi or Coke: diet coke with lime
McDonald's or Burger King: no
Single or group dates: single
Adidas or Nike: ew
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: coffee

LAYER.5
Cuss: rarely
Sing:yes
Have a crush: my bf
Think you've been in love: yes with my bf
Want to go college: yes
Want to get married: yes
Believe in yourself: no
Get motion sickness: yes
Think you're attractive: no
Think you're a health freak: in my own way
Get along with your parents: no
Like thunderstorms: yeah lol
Play an instrument: yes piano, flute, guitar, harp, cello

Layer.6 -
In the Past Month..
Had sex: yes
Gone to the mall: yes
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: NO
Eaten sushi: no
Been on stage: no
Gone skating: no
Made homemade cookies: no
Gone skinny dipping: no
Dyed your hair: yesk
Stolen anything: no

Layer.7 - Have You Ever..
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: hehe lol
Been called a tease: yes
Got beaten up: no

LAYER.8
Age you hope to be married: yeah, im engaged
Number and name of children: yes, two a boy (morpheus,drake or Brandon) and a girl (fin, Victoria, Jesicka or Morticia)
Dream wedding: in a big garden, with a few family members and friends. everything covered in rose petals. beautiful wedding dress (w a corset of course) glass slippers.
How do you want to die: by my lover's side
Where do you want to attend college: not sure yet
Dream joblife: an art or english teacher (i love kids)married to my current bf in a nice down town loft.
Country you want to visit: everywhere

LAYER.9
Number of people I could trust with my life: 1
Number of CDs that I own: i mostly just download mp3 but prolly around 100-ish
Number of piercings: one in each ear and my tounge and belly button
Number of times my name's been in the news: 0
Number of scars on my body: a lot
Number of things in my past that I regret: too many
Number of people you've had sex with:1

anavamp @ 2004-08-19T20:31:00

2004-08-20T00:38:24Z

--The basics--
Name:Jade
Age:16
Hobbies:singing, writing, drawing, fashion design
Type of ED:ana
How long:since i was 11
Recovered?no
--Stats, optional--
HW:
LW:
CW:120
GW:110
LTGW:94
Height:5ft6.5
And anything else you'd like to add. [Such as pics or extra info.]
um ya i'm looking to make new friends. my old ones kind of don't ike me anymore.

weird.

2004-08-20T00:27:25Z

How will you end up! (ED version) by Angelz_Shadower
Name
Height
D/O/B
Status
Lowest Weight (lbs)	73
Highest Weight (lbs)	142
Worst Binge (kcals)	1,996
Best Fast (days)	8
Final Opinion	You look starved
Do you Revover?	No

Quiz created with MemeGen!

mena

2004-08-19T23:54:03Z

she is a godess:
http://www.mena-suvari.konta.waw.pl/galerie/IMAGES/mena-suvari-1.jpg
http://adorocinema.cidadeinternet.com.br/personalidades/atores/mena-suvari/mena-suvari04.jpg
http://www.universofilmes.hpg.ig.com.br/wallpapers/w/msuvari.jpg
http://www.movieguide.co.nz/images/pics/Mena%20Suvari.jpg

anavamp @ 2004-08-19T19:23:00

2004-08-19T23:30:23Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

OMG
i am NOT a narcisist!
or histrionic!!!

back on liquid fast again.
mom tried to make me eat a tuna sandwich but i said i felt sick.
so i didn't eat it.
i need another diet coke.

i love my boy friend!!!!!
he is so sweet!!!!!!
he said i was the most beautiful girl he had ever met.
it's not like tru or anything but it was still really nice.
<3

AAHHRRRGG

2004-08-15T22:55:53Z

my mother made me eat today, after 2 (almost 3) days of glorious liquid fasting. i felt to proud of myself and then she sat me down said "Jade, you haven't been hope for 2 nights and you haven't been having anything while your at home, your going to sit here with me and eat this soya icecream so i know atleast somthing is in your system." if made me feel so sick, i was a horible thing to come off a fast with because its so rich (or atleast to me it is). i just wanted to yell and tell her i was fine, i didn't need what she had to give me. i was doing fine with my fast. right after she made me eat i when into my room, down the stairs and and thought that maybe a few crunches would make me feel a bit better but i still felt like i had faild myself, again. so i sat on my bed, looking at myself in the mirror and reched down into my dreaser and took out my exaco knife, and spelt out " failure" on my thigh, beside my boy's name. sorry i had to write this out somewhere, i have noone around me that will understand, but my boy will find out what i did, and that will be a hole different story i am not looking forword to writing.

quizzes.

2004-08-14T22:48:53Z

dependent

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the pig. You hate you and sabotage yourself
when you're fasting by bingeing so you have to
fast even longer. Sometimes you just want to
feel thin and beautiful, but you're likely to
go down to 68 just out of spite for yourself.
To eat a piece of carrot gives you such guilt,
even if it was a small carrot. When you do eat
you feel that you are shoving your nose in
shit. It really sucks and you feel that you
can't stop or go or do anything sometimes.

Is anorexia you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're cutting. Looking for the edge and trying to
escape. Bet you don't eat bananas.

What kind of Self-destructive behavior are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey Princess! Get off your cell phone and listen
up! There is more to life than the mall, boys,
and your hair. You are the typical
look-obsessed, popular "cool" girl.

What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

my style of love is:

EROS

I believe in true love and love at first sight. Physical attraction is paramount.

what's your style of love?
| mewing.net. where love goes to die.

take the butt quiz.

and go to mewing.net. why not visit the site of someone who made a quiz about butts?

img src="http://images.quizilla.com/A/atotalblamblam/1038623643_ult_grover.jpg" border="0" alt="Grover on X">
Grover on Ecstasy

You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?

Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Judas Vampire

What type of vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

See what drug you are.

you're the virgin suicides. you're sad but pretty, and very, very dreamy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

i have had so much self control today!!!!!!!

2004-08-13T17:43:32Z

YES!!!!!
i haven't had anything but water touch my lips all day!!!
i took a bath today and i realized that you can almost see my hip bones again.
god i missed that.
recovery ...bleh =P
icky.....;P

i love u

2004-08-12T21:46:35Z

i feel like crying
i feel like dying
fuck the lying
i feel like bleeding
i feel this pleeding
i want to kiss you
i really miss you
i'll love you forever
i'll leave you never
i cut my wrists
did you notice
did you get pissed
do you care about this
as i fall into my abyss
icould you be my tourniquet
could you take me far away
could you love me a little more
could you love me till i'm sore
though i'm a bore pleaSe don't ignore.

accept me for the fragile little girl i am

2004-08-12T21:09:54Z

Name:Jade
*Age: 16
*Sex: female
*Height: 5'6.5
*Current Weight: 125lbs
*Highest weight: 137lbs
*Lowest weight: 110lbs
*Short term goal: 110lbs
*Long term goal: 94lbs
*What ED you have: anorexia
*How long: always
*Do people catch on that you have one: i hope not
EXTRA
*Bands you like:marilyn manson, nin, garbage,the manic street preachers (richey lives),depeche mode, fiona apple, tori amos, the pixies, nirvana, the smashing pumpkins, death cab for cutie, beck, sonic youth, weezer, the get up kids, the beatles, bauhaus, the sisters of mercy, christina aguilaira, the carpenters, kittie, a perfect circle, le tigre, bright eyes, the fall, cat power, the missfits, (old) AFI, switchblade symphony, london after midnight
*Parties:i find its like a large group of people judging me
*Drugs: sleeping pills, speed, MDMA, cigarettes
*Drinking: rarly, only shots, everything else has too many cal. i feel bloted after drinking anything else
*Sex: with pretty androgny boyz like my bf

Song i can relate to

2004-08-12T20:49:22Z

4st 7lb-the manic street preachera

Days since I last pissed
Cheeks sunken and despaired
So gorgeous sunk to six stone
Lose my only remaining home
See my third rib appear
A week later all my flesh disappear
Stretching taut, cling-film on bone
I’m getting better
Karen says I’ve reached my target weight
Kate and emma and kristin know it’s fake
Problem is diet’s not a big enough word
I wanna be so skinny that I rot from view
I want to walk in the snow
And not leave a footprint
I want to walk in the snow
And not soil it’s purity
Stomach collapsed at five
Lift up my skirt my sex is gone
Naked and lovely and 5st. 2
May I bud and never flower

Funnle - Switchblade Symphony

I am lost now
Oh where can I be
Don't go near that
You'll find it empty
Scissors cut spaces
Perfect and right
Tongue tied rhythms
May find you tonight

She takes medicine medicine
Every damn day
For she thinks she is sick
She was brought up that way
Anyone, anyone, anyone, anyone...
Ah...ah...ah...ah...

the sweetest perfection-depeche mode

The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
Couldn’t finely hone
The sweetest infection
Of body and mind
Sweetest injection
Of any kind
I stop and I stare too much
Afraid that I care too much
And I hardly dare to touch
For fear that the spell may be broken
When I need a drug in me
And it brings out the thug in me
Feel something tugging me
Then I want the real thing not tokens
The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
Couldn’t finely hone
The sweetest infection
Of body and mind
Sweetest injection
Of any kind
Things you’d expect to be
Having effect on me
Pass undetectedly
But everyone knows what has got me
Takes me completely
Touches so sweetly
Reaches so deeply
I know that nothing can stop me
Sweetest perfection
An offer was made
An assorted collection
But I wouldn’t trade
The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
Couldn’t finely hone
The sweetest infection
Of body and mind
Sweetest injection
Of any kind
Takes me completely
Touches so sweetly
Reaches so deeply
Nothing can stop me.

FIONA APPLE LYRICS
"Paper Bag"
I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, 'Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' he said
'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'
But he didn't get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

anavamp @ 2004-08-12T16:20:00

2004-08-12T20:34:29Z

omg you guys.
i dun think my bf likes me ne more.
he said i need 2 stop telling ppl about my problems.
i thought he luved me. i luv him.
we've been 2gether 4 8 months now.
we r only 15 but i think we r going 2 get married and have kids.
i can tell he's the one.
my heart pines for him when we are not together
maybe he doesn't like me calling
maybe him being able to see his name in my leg scares him
maybe...
maybe...I'm just a freak
maybe he thinks i'm lyke fat.
i binged 2day on a bag of chips
when i lay beside him i can feel his ribs against mine
he's thiner than me
he's naturaly like that
but he's still not thin enough in my mind
I'm not thin enough in my mind
i don't think anyone is
my friends dun like me ne more. they never replyb 2 my heartfelt emails.
me n my bf engaged.
he luvs me
he sed so last night

god some times you just don't come through.

2004-08-12T16:00:11Z

my fast begins today.
hight: 5 ft. 6.5
current weight:125
curent waist: 24
current bust: 32
current hips: 34
goal weight: 94